Jokes...post em here!



Postby Perk » Fri Sep 19, 2008 8:07 pm

Lots of good jokes on here.

: )


Image
Perk

 
Posts: 1628
Joined: Fri May 25, 2007 1:49 pm

Postby thrund » Sat Sep 20, 2008 1:37 pm

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, Multiple bruises, two
black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to You?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to
look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had
something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
cow's girlie bits.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this
looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'
thrund

User avatar
 
Posts: 2352
Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2007 10:56 am
Location: Germany

Postby jayhawks » Mon Sep 22, 2008 7:44 am

A teacher in Elmira, New York, who is a McCain supporter, asked her 4th grade class, 'How many of you are McCain fans?'

Not really knowing what a McCain fan is, but wanting to be liked
by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands, except for Little Johnny. The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different? Little Johnny said, 'Because I'm not a McCain fan.' The teacher asked, 'Why aren't you a McCain fan?'Johnny said, 'Because I'm a Democrat.'

The teacher asked him why he's a Democrat. Little Johnny answered, 'Well, my Mom's a Democrat and my Dad's a Democrat, so I'm a Democrat.' Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, 'If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?'

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, 'That would make me a McCain fan.'
I'm a rollin' stone all alone and lost
For a life of sin I have paid the cost
When I pass by all the people say
Just another guy on the lost highway
jayhawks

User avatar
 
Posts: 1230
Joined: Sat Jun 16, 2007 9:45 am

Postby Roland Boy » Sun Oct 12, 2008 2:33 pm

If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95.

With HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50.

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.00.

But if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.
Roland Boy

 
Posts: 159
Joined: Sun Mar 16, 2008 8:43 pm

Postby thrund » Mon Oct 13, 2008 7:01 am

Roland Boy wrote:If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95.

With HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50.

£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5.00.

But if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.

So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.


:lol: Right.
....and if you invest the money in VODKA......you get 40%..........
thrund

User avatar
 
Posts: 2352
Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2007 10:56 am
Location: Germany

Postby peterchecksfield » Sat Oct 18, 2008 1:27 pm

Yorkshireman:

"We didn't have any pedophiles in my day! We had to buy our own bloody sweets!"

Image
peterchecksfield

 

Postby Dougie » Mon Oct 20, 2008 9:10 pm

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and
towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's
presenter,'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?'

'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'

'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'
A: Sparrow

B: Thrush

C: Magpie

D: Cuckoo

I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and

phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin '.

Mick called up his mate, and told him the
circumstances and repeated the question to him.

'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo.'

'Are you sure?'

Sure 'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go
wit Cuckoo as me answer.'

'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris

'Dat it is, Sir.'

There was a long - long pause, then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is
the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo
that doesn't build it's own nest?

'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'
Dougie

 
Posts: 61
Joined: Wed Oct 15, 2008 7:07 pm
Location: Scotland

Postby Dougie » Mon Oct 20, 2008 9:13 pm

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

'You impotent pig,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'
Dougie

 
Posts: 61
Joined: Wed Oct 15, 2008 7:07 pm
Location: Scotland

Postby Tony Papard » Tue Oct 21, 2008 1:26 am

Told by Anne Widdicombe MP (she's a Tory but I like her style) on Countdown the other day. I'll try and remember as much as I can, it went something like this.

A mother and father receive a letter from their daughter away at university. Which reads as follows:

'Having a great time, staying with two friends, John and Doug in their basement flat. It's a bit damp and there's no heating or running water, but it's cheap because it's a squat. No electric light either, but we cuddle up to keep warm. John gets a bit violent sometimes, but only when he's had a few drinks, he's OK most of the time. Doug is growing some nice plants and says we'll make loads of money out of them. I'm keeping well except for being sick in the mornings. Love Jenny.'

Well of course her parents go beserk reading this, then the father notices some writing on the back of the envelope, a P.S..

'I can't read any more,' says the distressed mother. 'You'd better read it.'

'Dear Mum and Dad, I'm staying in nice lodgings on the university campus sharing with another female student. I'm not pregnant by the way, but I thought after reading all that you'd be pleased to know the only bad news was that I failed all my exams.'
Long ago in Ferriday down in Louisiana, They all watched Jerry play and pump that old piana

My blog: http://www.tonypapard.info/

My Jerry Lee Lewis page:
http://www.btinternet.com/~tony.papard/JERRYLEELEWIS.HTM
Tony Papard

User avatar
 
Posts: 1438
Joined: Fri May 25, 2007 4:01 pm
Location: London, England, EU

Postby Dougie » Wed Nov 05, 2008 9:37 pm

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into
the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver,

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive
at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says
the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind
the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting
the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the
Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God,
I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but
the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on
the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a
limo going a hundred and five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the
cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'




...................keep going..........................








Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'
Dougie

 
Posts: 61
Joined: Wed Oct 15, 2008 7:07 pm
Location: Scotland

Postby Roland Boy » Thu Nov 06, 2008 4:46 pm

There was a church down in Texas that had a young, very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Her trim waist made the jiggle even that more apparent.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably - especially the men. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour, they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.
She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, 'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a Thermon tewday.'
Roland Boy

 
Posts: 159
Joined: Sun Mar 16, 2008 8:43 pm

Postby jonny williams » Fri Nov 07, 2008 9:57 am

Women all over the world are shaving their pubic hair in support of obamah's election result...the message to the world "read our lips..no more bush"
jonny williams

 
Posts: 264
Joined: Sat Apr 12, 2008 2:41 pm
Location: Sheffield

Postby thrund » Mon Feb 23, 2009 5:25 pm

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in
again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by
the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick.'
thrund

User avatar
 
Posts: 2352
Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2007 10:56 am
Location: Germany

A Cup of Tea

Postby Stephanie » Fri Feb 27, 2009 3:16 pm

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was
one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.

Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. :)



'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
Stephanie

 
Posts: 106
Joined: Tue Jun 05, 2007 3:58 am
Location: Kentucky, US

Postby thrund » Thu Apr 30, 2009 1:12 pm

Image
thrund

User avatar
 
Posts: 2352
Joined: Sun Sep 23, 2007 10:56 am
Location: Germany

PreviousNext

Return to Off topic

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests

cron