How many rockabillies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change the bulb, and the other to say it would never be as good as the original.
I was clearing out my attic and found an old violin and an old masterpiece of a painting. I took them to Christie's auction rooms to be valued.
The expert said: 'Well there's good news and bad news. What you've got there, sir, is a Stradivarius and a Gainsborough'.
'Oh, that's fantastic!' I said. 'What's the bad news then?'
'Well unfortunately sir, Stradivarius was a lousy painter, and Gainsborough made rotten violins.'
Two old ones from my 1950s schooldays, the first one really shows its age:
A female singer wasn't getting much applause, so her manager suggested she sing topless next time. She got more applause from her mainly male audience, but still not enough. So her manager suggested she go out completely nude next time.
She did this, and as she came off stage said: 'I got a lovely lot of applause that time'.
'That wasn't applause, love,' said her manager, 'That noise was the men's fly-buttons hitting the ceiling!'
The other oldie from my schooldays, told by a girl in our class:
Long and thin, red in parts
Covered in skin, goes in tarts
What is it?
Answer below.
A rich man goes on holiday, and asks a friend to look after his big estate in the country.
On his return the friend meets him at the airport. He says: 'Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?'
'Oh dear, better get the bad news over with first' says the returning holidaymaker.
'Well your pet dog ran away and we can't find him'
'Oh no! What made him do that?'
'He got scared when your prize horses stampeded and ran off.'
'My horses have all gone? Oh God, what made them stampede?'
'Oh, it was the fire that burnt your stables down'
'My stables have burnt down? How did that happen?'
'Well the fire spread from your house when that burnt down.'
'I don't believe this! My house has burnt down? How the Hell did that happen?'
'Well we think one of the candles by your father's coffin caught the curtains alight.'
'What? My father's dead! Oh my God, he was alright before I left. What happened?'
'Oh we think it was the shock of your mother dying just after you left.'
'Oh my God! You're telling me both my parents are dead, my house and stables are destroyed by fire, my prize horses and pedigree dog have run away. This is terrible! What's the good news?'
'Oh yes, the heat from the fires brought your daffodils out early!'
Finally, many areas of the UK have a large ethnic population, not least Watford in northwest London (just outside the Greater London boundary, but joined to the capital by urban sprawl).
There are three stations in Watford, once all part of the London Underground network, now run by different companies.
Anyway, this Asian guy goes to his local station in Watford and tries to book a thru ticket to his little village in India. The booking clerk says: 'Sorry, you can only book as far as Euston station in London'
So the guy eventually gets to India, spends a few weeks with his family, then goes to the local village railway station there and asks for a thru ticket to Watford in England.
The booking clerk replies: 'Watford Junction or Watford High Street?'
(I was told by an Indian he considered this joke insulting and politically incorrect. All I can say is if I have offended anybody, may I say, most sincerely: BOLLOCKS! If you can't take a harmless joke like that, then it is people like you who have ruined comedy and sitcoms. All this is suggesting is that Watford has a large ethnic population, and Indian railways are more helpful/efficient than British ones.)
Answer to riddle above: rhubarb!
Long ago in Ferriday down in Louisiana, They all watched Jerry play and pump that old piana
My blog: http://www.tonypapard.info/
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http://www.btinternet.com/~tony.papard/JERRYLEELEWIS.HTM