Jokes...post em here!

[jayhawks]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table
with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[Piet]

O.J.Simpson meets Jerry Lee and says:"Hi Killer" and Jerry replays: Hi there, murderer"

[Tony Papard]

Jokes? Where shall we start?

The husband and wife, married 50 years, who decide to go back to the place in the countryside where they first courted. They drive out there, find the very field by the side of the road, pull up and get out the car.

She leans against a wire fence, and they make passionate love.

Afterwards as they get back in the car the man says: 'That was fantastic! It was even better than 50 years ago.' To which the wife replies: '50 years ago that wire fence wasn't electrified.'

Or two stone statues of Adam and Eve on gateposts of a big mansion. One day a fairy comes down, waves her magic wand and the stone statues spring to life. The fairy says: 'OK guys, you've got 10 minutes to do whatever you want, then you turn back to stone.'

Adam and Eve look at each other, then rush into the nearby bushes. There's a lot of rustling and leaves flying everywhere. Then their heads pop up over the bush, and Adam says: 'We've still got another 5 minutes, shall we do it again?' 'OK,' says Eve, 'But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I'LL shit on its head.'

Or the woman who's husband died from drink. She came home drunk one nite and shot him.

Not to mention the woman who went to her doctor feeling ill, and he said: 'Have you had a check-up lately?'

'No', she replies, 'I've had a Pole and a couple of Hungarians, but no Czechs.'

'Well I don't know what's wrong with you,' he says after examining her. 'I think it must be the drink.'

'That's OK, doctor,' she replies, 'I'll come back when you're sober.'

Three upwardly mobile types (too old to be true 'yuppies') recently moved into London's East End. They are bragging in front of the old locals how successful they are.

1st yuppy type says: 'Well my son's in the automobile business. He did so well last year he gave away a Rolls-Royce, just gave it away'.

Not to be outdone, the 2nd yuppy type says: 'Oh my son's in the boating business. He made so much money last year he gave away a luxury yacht, just gave it away.'

The third yuppy chimes in: 'Oh that's nothing, my son is in property. He was so successful last year he gave away a villa in Spain, just gave it away.'

They see a scruffy old working-class East Ender drinking his pint of beer, and decide to make fun of him:

'What about you pops,' says the first yuppy type, 'Do you have a son?'

'Oh yes, but 'e's a waster. A bloomin' ginger beer, a queer, a ruddy poofter! 'E's a rent-boy up West,' says the old man. 'Mind you 'e did pretty good for 'imself last year, 'e got given a Rolls-Royce, a luxury yacht and a villa in Spain'.

Last one for now. A man was taking his first parachute jump. As he's in free-fall, he can't remember what he's supposed to do next. Panicking, he suddenly sees a woman shooting up past him the other way:

'Say, do you know anything about parachutes?' he shouts out to her as she passes him.

'No,' she shouts down to him, 'Do you know anything about gas ovens?'

Tony

[jayhawks]

Presidential candidates Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention.
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

John added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and make 156 million people very happy."

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Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[ChrisdeB]

Why don't shrimps give to charity?

Because they are shellfish......

[Tony Papard]

How many rockabillies does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to change the bulb, and the other to say it would never be as good as the original.



I was clearing out my attic and found an old violin and an old masterpiece of a painting. I took them to Christie's auction rooms to be valued.

The expert said: 'Well there's good news and bad news. What you've got there, sir, is a Stradivarius and a Gainsborough'.

'Oh, that's fantastic!' I said. 'What's the bad news then?'

'Well unfortunately sir, Stradivarius was a lousy painter, and Gainsborough made rotten violins.'



Two old ones from my 1950s schooldays, the first one really shows its age:

A female singer wasn't getting much applause, so her manager suggested she sing topless next time. She got more applause from her mainly male audience, but still not enough. So her manager suggested she go out completely nude next time.

She did this, and as she came off stage said: 'I got a lovely lot of applause that time'.

'That wasn't applause, love,' said her manager, 'That noise was the men's fly-buttons hitting the ceiling!'



The other oldie from my schooldays, told by a girl in our class:

Long and thin, red in parts
Covered in skin, goes in tarts

What is it?

Answer below.



A rich man goes on holiday, and asks a friend to look after his big estate in the country.

On his return the friend meets him at the airport. He says: 'Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?'

'Oh dear, better get the bad news over with first' says the returning holidaymaker.

'Well your pet dog ran away and we can't find him'

'Oh no! What made him do that?'

'He got scared when your prize horses stampeded and ran off.'

'My horses have all gone? Oh God, what made them stampede?'

'Oh, it was the fire that burnt your stables down'

'My stables have burnt down? How did that happen?'

'Well the fire spread from your house when that burnt down.'

'I don't believe this! My house has burnt down? How the Hell did that happen?'

'Well we think one of the candles by your father's coffin caught the curtains alight.'

'What? My father's dead! Oh my God, he was alright before I left. What happened?'

'Oh we think it was the shock of your mother dying just after you left.'

'Oh my God! You're telling me both my parents are dead, my house and stables are destroyed by fire, my prize horses and pedigree dog have run away. This is terrible! What's the good news?'

'Oh yes, the heat from the fires brought your daffodils out early!'



Finally, many areas of the UK have a large ethnic population, not least Watford in northwest London (just outside the Greater London boundary, but joined to the capital by urban sprawl).

There are three stations in Watford, once all part of the London Underground network, now run by different companies.

Anyway, this Asian guy goes to his local station in Watford and tries to book a thru ticket to his little village in India. The booking clerk says: 'Sorry, you can only book as far as Euston station in London'

So the guy eventually gets to India, spends a few weeks with his family, then goes to the local village railway station there and asks for a thru ticket to Watford in England.

The booking clerk replies: 'Watford Junction or Watford High Street?'

(I was told by an Indian he considered this joke insulting and politically incorrect. All I can say is if I have offended anybody, may I say, most sincerely: BOLLOCKS! If you can't take a harmless joke like that, then it is people like you who have ruined comedy and sitcoms. All this is suggesting is that Watford has a large ethnic population, and Indian railways are more helpful/efficient than British ones.)



Answer to riddle above: rhubarb!

[jayhawks]

[Roland Boy]

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

[thrund]

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

Honestly--------My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

[Tony Papard]

My wife and I went to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ...Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

Honestly--------My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Princess Di was at Sandringham with her two little boys, William and Harry. The Queen Mum was sitting there with her crate of Guinness as usual, and packets of Walkers Crisps (she was common as muck! All big hats and no knickers.)

Wills goes to play outside, and comes running in excitedly shouting:

'Mummy, mummy, guess what I've just seen in the field down there?'

'What darling?' asks Diana.

'That big black bull has just fucked the brown cow!' said William.

The Queen Mum spluttered on her Guinness and nearly choked on a mouthful of crisps.

'William!' said Diana, 'Don't use that kind of language in front of your great grandmother. Next time say the big black bull SUPRISED the brown cow.'

'OK mummy,' said William, rushing outside again. Presently he comes running in again shouting:

'Mummy, the big black bull has just surprised the brown cow again!'

'Has he? That's nice,' said Diana, thankful that her advice had worked.

'Yes, he's just fucked the white cow!' said William, causing the Queen Mum to nearly have an apoplexy.

[thrund]

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, 'What is a seven-hundred-ten?'
She replied, 'You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..'

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked 'is there a 710 on this car?'

She pointed and said, 'Of course, its right there.'
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If you're not sure what a 710 is Click Here:
http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

[Tony Papard]

Families!

They are the biggest joke of all. I'm pissed off with my uncle as he's just blown out a pre-arranged lunch in a village pub for my mother's birthday this weekend for no good reason other than that he doesn't feel like it, though they themselves are going to the pub, which they have lunch in every Sunday. My mother and I will surprise them there one Sunday when they least expect it, I don't want to risk a big row or scene this weekend.

He's kept my mother's sister away from her family for years.

So it will be me and my mother dining alone in a local restaurant on her birthday. At least my brother came to visit her yesterday.

Oh, you want a better joke? This really happened, and concerns family relatives again. My late father, a Greek-Cypriot.

In the 1940s he let out a room of his house or flat to a nurse, who said she had to come and go at all hours, and sometimes had to stay out all night.

The rent he charged was 5 pounds a week, which was a lot of money in those days (our luxury West Hampstead flat cost 5 pounds a week in the 1940s).

Then he discovered, after she'd been living there several weeks, that she was a prostitute, and he hit the roof.

'To think she's been living under my roof for 5 pounds a week all that time, and if I'd known what she was I could have charged her 20 pounds a week!'

[thrund]

How beer works:

http://mithuro.com/presscuefiles/januar ... goggle.swf

[Piet]

This morning we woke up and Els said "I had a terrific dream last night", well, I said that I had also an amazing dream. First you tell yours, I told her.
Well, she said, there was a limo who picked me up and took me to a casino were I played all night and won 1.000.000 euro's.
And what was your dream like, she said.
Well, I had terrific sex all night long, was my answer. With me, of course?, was her reply.
How could that be, I told her "You were out playing in that casino!!

[thrund]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground
and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

Mummy fainted!